


Because I'm The Rogue of Heart

by bowiesnippleantennae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Canon, F/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-23
Updated: 2012-01-23
Packaged: 2017-10-30 00:52:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/325965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bowiesnippleantennae/pseuds/bowiesnippleantennae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's easiest to talk to him when he's sleeping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because I'm The Rogue of Heart

I had a dream last night and everything was yellow.

The color was so vivid that it stayed with me when I woke up. I stretched my paws out and I yawned and mewled and still, I remember that color. When I ate my morning furrbeast, the color flashed randomly in the corners of my eyes. A brilliant, bold yellow.

I shouldn't have remembered it. In fact, I shouldn't have dreamt it at all but maybe I sleepwalk. Maybe in the middle of the night, when my lusus is curled up around me, I got up and I left. Maybe that's what it felt like. I certainly remember moving. I walked along the purple streets of the familiar city. When I glanced down, I saw a purple cotton dress that I always wear. It's so pretty and bright and flowy. My green shoes smile back up at me and this is why sleeping is so wonderful. The little people around the city are fun to chase and that's how I usually spend my time in this magical setting.

But that's not all I remember.

I remember wanting so badly to see someone. If I could just look at them, I would be the most satisfied being in the universe. I would be incandescently happy. Maybe they would be happy too, I can't be sure. But if they didn't know I saw them, then there's no harm in that. I sit on the edge of my balcony and I look up at the dark abyss and think about what this person is doing right now and if they are happy and where they would like to hang out, what kind of things do they do where they sleep.

And I see yellow.

Jutting spires down the yellow road that shine in the light of Skaia. The sidewalks, the window glass, the furniture in the little yellow houses, everything is bright and happy. Yellow is a happy color. It makes me think that everyone here is happy because how can they not be? How can they be surrounded by happy and not feel the effects of it in their entire being.

Then, I am sad. If yellow is happy, what is purple?

I look up and see the blue of Skaia and I think that they are lucky to have both of these things to see every time they visit. They are so lucky and I am so sad because there is none of that where I come from. Just purple and black and anger. My friends never seemed angry or sad but I think that everyone else is. Maybe they like the colors. Maybe to them, dark is happy and good. But I cannot agree with that. If I could have it my way, I would want to be surrounded by happy all of the time. I would want to visit here instead of where I always seem to be taken.

This is fated, then? I am fated to wake up in the same place every time and there is no changing that. That is just the way things are and that makes me angry. I don't want to always be stuck. I want to be free to go wherever I want and where I want to go is to this beautiful yellow world.

I see people I recognize but they don't see me. It doesn't bother me because I am here for a different reason. Some force has allowed me this one visit and I am going to make it last. This is important. This is fated.

And I search.

There are a million yellow buildings, it seems and suddenly there is too much yellow. Too much yellow in the way of my goal. I get frustrated and think, maybe this is why I am in the purple world. Look how angry I am getting over some beautiful structures when everyone else here is happy, no matter what. Bright and cheerful, not brooding and frustrated.

I calm down. I look at Skaia and I see the clouds swirl and I feel like I am not meant to look up there. I am not allowed to see such beauty because where I come from is bad. It's not worthy, either. So I avert my eyes and continue my search.

Who am I searching for?

I taste red. It's delicious and fluffy feeling and I can understand why Terezi likes it so much.

That's who I'm searching for. The one who is red. But all I see are a few gray people who are my friends and a million tiny white people. They are all beautiful, in the yellow shine of the city but I know that my goal is the most beautiful of them all. The one that fills my expanding and deflating cardio sack to the top and makes my chest hurt.

I find him eventually, in this dream, and I want to tell him all kinds of things. I want to tell him about how happy he makes me and how happy I wish I could make him. I want to tell him about all the things I am too afraid to tell him in the waking world, because a lot is going on and he is so very busy and I don't want to burden him more than I already do.

But when I look at him, his eyes are closed and he is asleep, curled up on his bed. He is so tiny and vulnerable looking and I fear an animal might attack him. They would take this purrfect opportunity to make a meal out of him because that's what I do with my prey.

And in a way that is much less violent, and a lot more creepy, he is my prey. I sought him out and I found him and now I wait for the purrfect time to pounce; to give him my affection now because he won't remember it in the morning. If he hurts me and leaves, he won't remember it and neither will I. It is the purrfect opportunity to get it all out, now and maybe change some things in the waking world. Maybe the courage will stay with me when I wake up and I will be the strong lioness. The one that can do whatever she wants and feel proud at the same time.

I aspire to be that, but it's hard.

He hasn't woken up, yet. I will sit by him and I will wait and while I wait, I will drink in his sight because he is truly one to behold. He's so tough on the outside. He yells a lot and he's harsh but I can tell that it's just because he's scared. There is some deep secret he hides behind gray text. So secretive and independent and strong, like the only pillar in a room. The one that can hold everything up by itself and doesn't need anyone's help even if it starts to bend at the middle. I can hold some of that weight, too. It would be easier to share the burden of life with others. That is what I think. It's so great to have support of a moirail, challenge of a kismesis, and even the affection of the matesprit.

Maybe I can give him some of my support. If he would allow it, I would give him all of my energy. I would help him through any struggle, always right behind to push if he needed the strength. I would be there if he was sad, I would be there if he was angry. I look at his sleeping form and think that there is nothing in this universe-- in any of the possible universes there are, that could make the red feelings go away. They are as red as the blood in my body is green, and just as purrmanent. He is everything that is good and everything that should be and I want to tell him this so badly.

But he's asleep. So, I lean in and whispurr it in his hearing holes and when he stirs, I pet his hair until he stills again. And I sing to him the song my lusus sang to me because it's so soft and so calming and filled with red. Beautiful, beautiful red. I think he must be full of red, himself to be able to give me such a strong feeling of it. And even though that is taboo, and even though that is so incredibly impawsible and because there is no way he would be that weak, I still would be okay with him being all red on the inside.

I can't wake up until I am back where I belong. And it's hard to tear me away from him but I must and it's okay because I can talk to him in the waking world. I won't remember and he has no idea and everything will go back to the way it was and that is alright. It's better than hurting. But hurting is understandable. My moirail says it makes you stronger but what happens when you are too strong to have anything hurt you anymore? Both feelings are good. Some are more refreshing then others but if it came to him, I could handle hurting a little.

I will hurt for him.

As long as he doesn't have to hurt, himself.

I wake up and remember yellow.


End file.
